My Thoughts on Why Malls Suck

By David G. Firestone

Recently, I decided to go to a mall in Schaumburg, to redeen a few free coupons I had. I hadn’t been to the mall in some time. After walking around the mall for a while, I realized why I don’t go to malls anymore. Malls annoy me on a profound level. Sometimes it’s the people, sometimes it’s other things. I’ve done mall rants before, but I’ll do one now, all original gripes.

*How much demand is there that an entire store devoted to Alpaca made products exists?

*There are a total of 3 stores devoted to either LEGO or LEGO ripoffs.

*Why is the mall playing Christmas music ON JANUARY 7, please? The only store that should be playing Christmas music is the Christmas store that’s going out of business.

*Speaking of the Christmas store music, dubstep Christmas music should NOT exist!!!

*Also, to the Christmas store, I can buy a full-size street light for a lot less than the one you are selling, and I can add my own fake snow and still save money.

*When it comes to Teavania closing, I don’t feel bad. I know they were full of shit when they claimed that they offered me a free sample of what they claimed was “the rarest tea in the world.”

*I’m wearing a NASCAR jacket, and an NHRA hat, I do NOT want a mani pedi.

*To the store that has a sale logo inside a disco ball…that’s actually pretty cool. I would have never thought of that, and it looks awesome.

*Dear Panda Express, if I’m eating in a closed restaurant across the hall from you, I DO NOT WANT TO SMELL YOUR ORANGE CHICKEN!!!!!

*It’s nice to know that a mall that has been around since 1971 is finally getting a food court in 2018. Why did it take that long to install something that has come standard in every other mall everywhere has ever had.

*If you are over the age of 12, you should not be wearing LED shoes, unless you are the person selling them.

*You are the ones who named your restaurant “Kin Fork,” so don’t be surprised when I quip “Kin fork said Jed move away from there.”

*Why the fuck is the hot sauce store selling balloon animals?

*It doesn’t look suspicious when a man walks into a woman’s bathing suit store by himself…not at all.

*Dear males over the age of 12, there is NO REASON to walk into a Hot Topic store.

*Forgive me for wondering about the quality of macaroons sold in a mall kiosk…Mall kiosks are not exactly world renowned for quality.

*So apparently there is such a demand for pretzels, that there are three different stores that sell them, two of them the same company…

*Michael Jordan has his own store, and it doesn’t have that much stuff in it.

*It shouldn’t be this hard to find a bathroom. WHY DO YOU ONLY HAVE THREE BATHROOMS?

I’m sorry I went, and I won’t go back for a while.

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